Chronic Illness is uncomfortable to talk about for people who have never experienced it. I've already done a post on "My Do's and Don'ts of Fibro Talk".
Today though, we're talking specifically about the dreaded question, "How are you feeling?"
Why is that question "dreaded", you ask? Let me explain, from my personal perspective, at least.
When someone asks me how I'm feeling, I have two options:
1) I can give them the answer most people want to hear: "I'm fine." This relieves any responsibility of the inquirer having to listen, understand, or sympathize. Yet, it allows them to feel good about themselves for asking in the first place. It ends the conversation quickly and allows everyone to go back to their business. Done and done.
Yes. It sounds callous. But our society has resorted to empty greetings in passing because most people are too busy/distracted to really listen. It doesn't make them a bad person. It just makes them a typical human. When I answer like this and I'm not really "fine", I feel like I'm cheating myself and I hate not being truthful. Which leads me to my second option...
2) I can tell the inquirer the truth. Some days, the truth is "I'm fine." Most of the time, however, people inquire when they notice you aren't feeling/looking well. Personally, I feel guilty or bothersome when I answer truthfully. People who don't live with chronic pain are able to be more carefree and positive. I'm not saying those with chronic illness are negative, but a huge part of our survival is being real with ourselves. And just because we're acknowledging we aren't feeling well, that doesn't mean negativity for us. It's just another part of our typical day. We rarely get "carefree days," if ever. I tend to feel like a Debbie Downer though when I'm honest with people about my pain levels because it isn't the "typical response" to the question. I tend to be emotional when I'm in pain anyway. So for me, the reaction from the inquirer can really affect the way I'm feeling about myself.
Being honest with someone about my pain levels is a very intimate, vulnerable thing for me. I don't like to admit my pain often. The less I talk about it, especially when its really bad, the less over-whelmed I get. I choose very carefully who I talk to about my pain and struggles. A statement I made in my "Do's and Don'ts" post is to please not handle me with kid gloves. If I openly talk to you about my pain, I'm not expecting you to fall all over me with sympathy. In fact, for those who know me, I tend to approach things with humor. Even though this illness is a very serious thing in my life, sometimes taking the seriousness out of it helps me to cope.
The reality of it is, I'm reminded daily that I can't live my life like a normal 25yr old newlywed. So to cope, I like to say things like, "I'm going to cut off my elbow", or, "I really need a back transplant", or, "I'm going to punch my immune system in the face." Granted most of the time my friends and husband reply with, "I'm going to have to advise against that." But they understand. That's what makes me feel better.
However, in the rare times I am serious when I share how I'm feeling, I know it can be awkward for the person inquiring. What do you say to someone who has a condition that has no cure? I've already gone over what NOT to say. If you are ever in need of an appropriate response, here are some that could help:
"I'm sorry you're hurting. I'll pray for you."
"That really sucks man. Hang in there."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better."
However you decide to reply, remember to be GENUINE. We can spot fakes a mile away.
An example that actually happened today that is NOT an acceptable response (and a great example of Option #1's reaction) is this:
Inquirer: How are you feeling today?
Me: Thanks
for asking… My back and hands are still really bothering me. My chiropractor
told me I was a “train wreck” yesterday…and I do have to say, I feel like a
train ran over me a few times. I think it’s just the fluctuation in weather.
I’m hoping to be feeling better by this weekend. I’ve got so much to do with
the church event on Saturday.
Inquirer: Great. Glad to hear you're feeling better.
I'll pause so you can process for a moment.....
Yes. That actually happened. And this is why I try to choose carefully who I am honest with. Clearly this is a person I should have replied to with, "I'm fine." They weren't really interested in the answer.
My advice today is PLEASE don't be that person. If you're going to ask, be prepared that you may not get a quick and easy response. Our lives aren't quick and easy. Everything is complicated, and once in a while, explaining that to someone makes us feel a little better. If you are chosen to be that person we share details with, try to be a good listener. If you don't know what to say, its OK. Just don't respond like the person above did. A response that is inappropriate based on the information given is not only frustrating, its down right hurtful.
This post goes out to all of my fellow Chronic peeps that are afraid to answer with the truth.
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